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Do you want your dad to look this happy on Father’s Day? If so, read on. Photo / 123rf
Most Father’s Day gift guides are a complete waste of time, written by people who aren’t dads and heavily influenced by big retail, which wants you to think dads crave rugby biographies, Old
Spice and NZ Warriors merch. But we are far more complex than that, and not so easily reducible to stereotypes. Here, father of three Greg Bruce reveals the things your dad really wants for Father’s Day, and the things he really doesn’t.
1. A meat thermometer.
2. Fancy pyjamas like Donald Glover might wear.
3. Anything with the word “charcuterie” in it.
4. Classic Ray Bans.
5. A pair of shoes that would be considered cool by cool people 20 years younger than him, but which don’t make it too obvious he’s still striving to be cool 20 years after he should have got over the fact he never would be.
6. Fancy sausages.
7. Are track pants still cool? If so, he’d like some of the coolest ones, especially ones that go well with his new shoes.
8. Touching cards from each child that have not been dashed off the night before, into which real thought has been put, and which contain no attempts at age-related or appearance-related humour.
9. A nutritious breakfast smoothie that makes his taste buds go wow and has a touching personal story behind its creation.
10. The honey toast from Rhu.
11. The freedom to read his book in bed for at least an hour without his domestic partner leaning over to show him “funny” videos.
12. The freedom to lie in the bath for at least an hour without anyone coming in and asking why he looks so fat.
13. Something that makes him believe his best years are not behind him.
14. Some sort of affirmation that his jokes are, and always have been, funny.
15. A scalp massage.
16. Lunch at Peach’s Hot Chicken.
17. Not being forced to do any intense physical play, especially on the trampoline.
18. Dinner at Peach’s Hot Chicken.
19. Duck Island Pecan Butterscotch icecream (Pam’s for everyone else).
20. The suggestion that a trip to either New York City or Japan might be on the cards. He knows things are too tight right now, and probably forever, but you are giving the gift of hope.
21. Some sort of family theatrical/dance/musical performance that honours and pays tribute to him, and which has been properly scripted and rehearsed.
22. Full control over all music-playing devices all day.
23. If he wants to go for a family outing, and there are no guarantees he will, everyone is to go without whining, and he won’t have to help find anyone’s shoes or socks, including his own.
24. Not asking what’s taking him so long in the toilet no matter how long he’s been in there, or how many times he’s already gone.
25. A weird but not gratuitously weird craft beer, preferably with a funky drawing of something a bit naughty on the can.
26. Luxury chocolate made with some special ingredient or technique that makes it unique, and which is not readily available in local shops, even the nice ones.
27. At no stage to be in the presence of any mess or fighting or any other reminder of the chaos of everyday life.
28. An electronic stud finder so he can intermittently point it at himself and say, “Oh look it works.” (Keep receipt.)
29. The $20 popcorn they sell at Farro.
30. GPS tracking tag(s) for as many things as he regularly loses.
31. A consultation with some sort of adviser or mentor or coach who might be able to turn him into the sort of person he’s always wanted to be — specifically, the sort who will one day be able to afford to go to New York City or Japan.
1. Anything you think will make him laugh.
2. Anything to do with whisky that’s not whisky.
3. Any book that could potentially be turned into a movie starring Tom Cruise.
4. A polo shirt.
5. Fragrance of any sort.
6. Crocs/Birkenstocks/Allbirds.
7. An Apple watch or any other “wearable” reminder of his mortality.
8. Anything described as “retro”.
9. A VR headset.
10. An expensive pen.
11. Soap/skincare with manly branding (or anything with manly branding).
12. One of those electronic massagers that looks like a vibrator (or anything that looks like a vibrator).
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